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 題目: 自我形象低(low self-esteem)的徵象、成因、輔導和預防的方法

科目: 教牧輔導

講師: 魏金泉先生

學生: 嚴國洪

年級: 四年級

日期: 16-5-89

 

引言 1

  1. 聖經的教導 1-4

  2. 自我形象低的徵象 4-5

  3. 自我形象低的成因 5-6

  4. 輔導方法 6-8

  5. 預防方法 8-9

結論 9

註釋 10-13

簡寫表(代書目) 14-15

附錄:自我形象測試問卷(三份) 附1-3 

 

引言:

自我形象出現問題是現代人的通病。 據統計有百分之九十五的人有這問題。 但情況可能比統計更加嚴重。1 最可惜的是這種情況在信徒與非信徒的情況是類似的。2

在討論之先要交代名詞的定義:

自我概念(self-concept)是包括一個人對自己的理解(perception)和態度。 而自我形象(或稱自尊self-esteem)是一個人痡`性對自己的評估,包括很多對自己的態度。 例如: 接納、認可有價值或成功等。3 本文只會討論self-esteem 而自我形象低即是自卑情意結(inferiority complex) 因為自我形象多數是出現太低的現象。 故此,大多數討論假定是自卑感(interiority),而不是優越感(superiority)

本文分為五部份:

A. 介紹聖經在這面的教導。

B. 講到自我形象低的徵象。

C.嘗試以罪性破壞思想系統作主線解釋成因。 最後在

D. 部份以三種關係的重建為輔導的架構。 然後在

E. 部份提出三個預防的方法。

     

  1. 聖經的教導
  2. 聖經是十分重視人的,而我們的自我形象可以從它得到一個較清楚的根基。 以下試從四方面作討論:

    1. 關於人的價值: 神創造萬物時,認為萬物是好的。4 而且人有神的形像,雖然人犯了罪,仍是「比神微少一點。」5 神也為人預備救恩,將來要信徒永遠與祂同在。6
    2. 關於人的罪惡: 亞當犯罪後,全人類皆與神隔絕,因為人有了罪性和罪行。7 罪使人不敬畏神,p尊重別人和自然界。8 結果,人對自己也有錯誤看法,以至自我形象低。9 但只要人肯悔改,藉著基督的救贖,便能與神相和。10
    3. 關於人的驕傲: 正確的自尊11並不是驕傲。 驕傲是高舉自己,而忽略其他人的意見或願望。12 基本上是奪取神應得的榮耀。 故它是一種罪。13 正確的自尊是謙卑,14而不自私的。15 謙卑是指人承認自己的限制、罪行和失敗,但歸一切的榮耀給神。16
    4. 關於人的自愛: 聖經假定人要愛自己的。17 自愛並不是驕傲,或孤芳自賞。18 自愛是認定自己是神所愛的受造物、基督的身體一部份和有神形像的人。19

     

     

  3. 自我形象低的徵象:
  4. 它會影響人出現以下的表現:

    1. 過度敏感:20 容易感到被排斥、傷害。
    2. 喜歡爭辯:21

    3. 喜歡批評別人:
    4. 沒法容忍別人的意見:22

    5. 容易發怒:23
    6. 過份妒忌別人:24
    7. 只愛說話,不願聆聽:25
    8. 愛收集東西(無用的) 26
    9. 喜愛榮譽、學位:有時過份著重衣著和奢華生活:27
    10. 不能接受失敗和讚賞:28
    11. 不敢將自己的內心世界坦誠地告訴別人:29
    12. 完美主義:30
    13. 常常自責,自怨甚至自恨:31
    14. 常與人比較,對他人評語過份重視:32
    15. 過度害羞,傾向離群:33
    16. 工作無次序和條理:34
    17. 容易抑鬱:35
    18. 優越感或努力去控制別人:36

    此外,還有其他一些表現。37

  5. 自我形象低的成因
  6. 原因是有很多的,但我嘗試將它們串連在一:

    首先,亞當犯罪後,人便與神隔絕,使人失去了自己價值的基礎。38 於是人便要找另外的事物去替代神的標準。39 因著錯誤的標準,加上對自己限制的無知,人便傾向產生自卑感。40

    這種錯誤的思想系統源於早年的親子關係(parent-child relationship)的問題。 教養子女並非天生便懂得的。 有些父母受當代流行的教育理論影響,以至錯誤地教育子女, 導致他們有自卑感。41 有些父母不懂得教育方法,於是便隨著心情來教育。有時可能太嚴厲(而不加解釋)、有時太冷淡、有時又很親切,使子女不知所措。42 有些父母又將自己的弱點下傳給子女:例如一位沒有安全感的母親控制子女的一切活動,使子女沒法獨立。 並且可能不斷地在言語上批評子女是無能的,以至直接傷害子女的自尊心。43 另外,也有一些父母對子女有不實際的要求,並且常將子女與別人比較。44

    當人進入學校時,同輩(peers)的影響便漸漸增大。 這時,與人比較的傾向便有可能增加。45 另外,他們追求別人的認同。46 當他們成人時,他們的錯誤標準系統已經建立。 他們可能高估了自己,或者低估自己(多數是低估的)47 加上,他們可能對自己有很多不切實際的期望或目標,以至造成不少的挫敗感。48 如果他們遇上很多挫敗,這些累積的不良經歷,使他們的自信心更低。49 另外,人也常會有犯罪,以至良心責傋,傷及自尊心。50

    其實,社會的價值觀影響也很大。51 社會藉著大眾傳媒、家庭、學校、政府、公司或社交{所,都不斷強調人的價值在乎你所擁有的,不在乎人的本身。 例如:一個人的價值在乎他的智能,美麗的外表、教育、財富、權力和成就。 常常以這些東西與人比較會產生自卑感。52

    最可惜這些信念以變相方式入了神學系統。 有很多人誤以為「否定自我」 (self-denial)就是「自我認罪」(self-condemnation)53 其實,聖經是教導人要接納自己是神的受造物是可愛的,有價值的和可被救贖的。 並且人要放棄自視為世界的中心看法。 這種想法才是自尊(self-esteem) 54

    註(3/10/90補上):另外,個人的氣質、性格(特別是自私、自我中心強的)和精神分裂症(可能相互為因) 背景雖然是重要因素,但個人意志上的抉擇也很重要(Behavioral Therapy有效)

  7. 輔導方法:

雖然罪性是引發整個錯誤的思想系統,但不是所有問題都直接與罪有關。 正如 一個炸彈在某商店爆發。 即使除去炸彈的碎片,所造成的破壞也需要時間重建。 同樣,重建自我形像也是需要長時間的重建,是不能期望一蹴即成的。55

以下試從三種關係的重建去論述:

  1. 神我關係 (God-I relationship)56

首先,人要重新認定神的原意是要人接納自己,57並且祂是愛人的,58

盼望人認清自己在主基督堿O多麼豐富的。59 故此,如果有犯罪的話,應該求神赦免。 那麼,人便能經歷赦罪平安,不必有罪咎感。60 並且鼓勵他不斷讀聖經,61不時默想聖經,62並且在生活中行出來。63 靠著聖靈的幫助,就能夠不斷更新內在的生命。64 與神的關係使人重獲正確的標準,並且從神得著力量去改變。 故此,以下二種關係的改變也建基於此。

2. 己我關係 (Self-I relationship)

「自己」(self)不斷被「我」(I)錯誤地評論,以至對「自己」沒有一個正確的認識。65 並且形成一個不良的思想循環。 以一個錯誤的自我觀作基礎,結果產生對「自己」的錯誤評論。 至終又用這些評論來支持這個自我觀。 這是一個惡性循環。66

因此,我們要用聖經幫助他對「自己」重新接納。 並且引導更清楚看自己。 他可能因著以往的創傷,而排斥自己,我們要幫助他更客觀地看自己。67 然後,鼓勵他從新的角度看自己,作新的貝w,並且憑著毅力去實行。68

鼓勵他重新評定對自己的要求,訂定一些更實際的期望和目標。69 要求他原諒自己,70因為神已赦免他,不要再自恨,71應該要愛顧、支持自已。72 例如: 做一些能使他喜歡自己的事。73 鼓勵他接納和欣賞自己。74 例如:外表、75恩賜76和背景。77 並且幫助他坦誠與人交通,並藉對方合適的回應,更正自我的評論 (self-evaluation)78 當然這些交通,最好是在支持小組中開始練習。79 在這種小組之內,要鼓勵大家彼此接納,80 並且不要互相比較。81

3. 人我關係 (Man-I relationship) 82

最要緊的是不要將自己與別人比較。 因為這樣只會導致他們批評別人、愛爭辯、愛沾別人的心,83 喜愛模仿別人等問題。84

另一方面, 他也要學習處理怒氣,85以免影響他的人際關係。 並且鼓勵他留心聽別人的說話,不要搶著說話。86 要求他嘗試欣賞別人,87並且主動地關懷別人。88 他必須願意付出自己去幫助人,89例如,可以參加一些助人的社群。90

最後, 要面對社會的價值觀之衝擊,個人是很難面對的。 故此,鼓勵他參加一間溫暖的教會,並且最好有一些支持小組。 但始終改變思想,不是一蹴即至的。 所以,受導者必須要存忍耐的心。91

     

  1. 預防方法
  2. 預防措施可以分為三方面:

    1. 家庭的輔導
    2. 幫助青年人面對自我形象的問題,以免婚後影響教育子女。92 為他們預傋婚前輔導和婚後支持事工(包括教育子女方法)93 信徒之間可以多些交流教育子女的經驗,也鼓勵在這方面多些自修。94

    3. 真理的教導
    4. 在講壇、主日或團契中,95多些教導正確的自我觀。 鼓勵信徒不斷用聖經的真理來重建自我觀。 例如:多些默想聖經、感恩禱告和活出真理。

    5. 群体的支持

在信徒的群体中應多些彼此鼓勵和勸勉。 接納那些軟弱的,幫助他們學習改變。96 並且在這個較好的環境中學習接納自己、與人相處和抗衡社會的衝擊。

結論:

 

從聖經的教導那般的討論,我們重新認清了聖經對自我觀的看法。 自我形象的問題影響一個人很多思想和行為。 而我們已試圖從罪性影響思想系統的失調來解釋。 然後,又用三種關係的重建,作輔導的架構。 最後,我們也十分強調預防方法。

從以上的討論,證明以聖經作為分析基礎是可能的。 當然我們不能以為已經有答案。 因為宗教用語尚未夠實驗性(empirical),可以方便研究。97 故此,我們尚要承認:宗教性質(religiosity)與自尊(self-esteem)可能有關連性。98

註釋

  1. CW 200。 CC347。 另參註47分析。
  2. JPB 199~206。
  3. BE 1039。 CS 21-24也有兩個對self-esteem的定義。 注意常用的譯名自我形像 (self-image) 或自尊 (self-respect), 皆用於self-esteem。
  4. 創-31。 另參DS 14. BE 1046-7。
  5. 詩八4,5。 希伯來原文是「神」(Elohim),但有人譯「天使」。
  6. 約三16提到信的人有永生。 另外,主耶穌曾說凡罵弟兄是魔利的,難免地獄之火。 可見神是多麼重視人的尊嚴。 況且神願意為人,而『不愛惜自己的兒子』(羅八32),可見在神眼中人的價值是很高的。
  7. 羅三25;五12,17-19;六23上;七18。
  8. 創三11-13;詩三十二1-5;羅三11-18。
  9. CC 348。 另參Schuller的解釋:SR 118-124。
  10. BE 1047。 但信徒並未完全掌握成聖,以至自信仍低。 (JPA 127)
  11. Self-esteem。 定義可參考CS 21-25。 CS 245-247。
  12. CC 349。
  13. 箴十六18。 另參SR 124-126。
  14. 謙卑的人會有servanthood to God。 BE 1047。
  15. DS 17-19。
  16. Smith 指出謙卑 (Humility) 有六種要素。請參OK36-38。
  17. 弗五28,29。
  18. Self-adoration。 參CC349。 另參SR127-128稱為narcissism。
  19. CC 349。 BE 1047特別強調信徒群體 (community) 的重要性。
  20. 愛80。 EP129。
  21. 愛80。CC352。
  22. 愛83。CS35。
  23. 愛85。
  24. 愛90。
  25. 愛92。CC352。
  26. 愛93-95。
  27. 愛96-97。牧11。 主要希望藉著這些事物來建立自我價值。
  28. 愛97-100。
  29. CC352。CS34。 特別是自己的過錯。 (參牧11)
  30. 牧11。 詳細徵象請參SD79-84。 EP130。
  31. CC352。 不單如此,也容易記仇。 並且有罪咎感。(CS73)
  32. 牧11。 有時又會模仿別人。(如 161)CS73。
  33. 如160。 牧11。
  34. 牧11。
  35. CC 352。 如 159。 而且容易有其他疾病。 (愛 100-2; 133 & 154)
  36. CC 352。 CS 75。 有不少優越感,也由自卑感的補償導致。因為沒有大規模的深入研究,所以確定一些特徵。 以上只是列舉一些頗多人贊成的特徵。 但又很難詳列,故此以下補充一些其他較少人提到的: 好奇心和創作性低,沒有內在平安,無自信心,人際衝突多,難於表達愛心, 太依賴別人。 (CC 352) 另外,他對神失去信心,傾向反叛(也有些是太順服 CC 352),容易消極。 (如159-161)不能愛人。(牧11)
  37. 創三17-19。
  38. 羅一18-25 指出人以偶像代替神。
  39. EP 129。 JPA 127 指出罪與自尊是有關的。
  40. 例如: 美國人受行為主義影響,不敢太多親吻孩子,以至做成子女有被拒感。(愛26-28)
  41. CC 350-351。 EP 129-130。 HS 49-61﹔並且HS 81-88提供一些不傷自尊心的管教方法。 清楚的管教要求是有益的。 (JPC 220)
  42. 特別在青春期的傷害更大。 (HS 115)
  43. 這些比較方式影響子女日後常將自己與人比較。 (OK 69-70) 本來兄弟姊姊 (siblings) 之間巳有比較,競爭,父母的態度便加強了子女的思想方式,影響日後的思想。
  44. HS 89-94指出要注意子女在學校的學習,因為他們正需要幫助。
  45. 思春期 (puberty) 以後的四至六年,他們特別留意自己的外表和情緒。 (HS 24) 他們容易因為外表 (HS 67) 和性角色 (CW 202-203) 而產生問題。
  46. Collins稱這些是faulty thinking。 另外,Tom Harris (CW 200) 和Maxwell Maltz (CC 347) 皆認為有百分之九十五人有「不足感」。 但他們的書分別是1969年和1968年出版的,而且背景與香港略有不同。 但香港的教育制度和社會的競爭性,使更多人有「不足感」(sense of inadequency)。 故此,我相信可能比率更高。
  47. CC 351。
  48. CC 350。
  49. CC 350。
  50. DS 35-36。
  51. CC 351。
  52. CC 350。 DS 9-16. OK 35-43。 被稱為Faulty Theology (SD 70-73)
  53. CS 21。 否定自我是指對付老我,不是排斥自己(暫稱為真我)。 鄭果牧師說對付自我,是明顯地指著有罪性的我。 故此,我暫且說要治死老我,但接納新我和真我。 從而解決又治死「我」,又肯定「我」。 但這些用語仍算為含糊,盼望將來學者能夠有更清晰界定和深入研究。(JPA127)
  54. CS91-93。
  55. 這處將引用的一個名詞乃由筆者所作。 因為強調神,所以GOD放在前面。以後的Self-I relationship和Man-I relationship也是相同理由。
  56. CS77。 SD70-74。
  57. CS79。
  58. CS80。 如果對方未信主,應鼓勵他接受基督。
  59. CC355。
  60. CC352。
  61. CS89-91。 愛188。 CC355。 ST131-7。 默想有能幫助人放鬆。 (JPD362-368)
  62. CS86-87。 祈禱是能幫助被輔導者的。(ST137-141)
  63. 羅十二1∼2。 腓四13。 SD74-75。
  64. 人是能夠將自己客體化地研究。 這處為了方便處理,將「我」(I)作為認知主體,而「自己」(self)代表被認知客體。 也就是人將「自己」視為外在事物去批評。
  65. 這個循環是思維的慣性方法。 正如有學者說“人是活在自我所解釋的世界之內。”一切人所見的事物,他必用「我」去解釋,然後才作回應。 正因為這樣,錯誤的解釋便使人對「自己」和整個世界出現錯誤的理解。 另外這個循環在CS73中有簡單的圖解:
  66.  

    NEGATIVE SELF-ESTEEM CYCLICAL PATTERN

    2. Negative self-picturing

    Distorted views of self and others

    ↙ ↘

    3. Negative feelings LOW 1. Negative internal dialogue

    Exaggerated feelings SELF-ESTEEM Distorted hearing, responding,

    and expressions and sending of inappropriate

    messages

    ↘ ↗

    4. Negative behavior

    Poor performance

     

  67. CC 353。 CS 72。
  68. 人的改變可以分為五階段(CS66-70):自我醒悟(self-awareness)、
  69. 自我了解 (self-understanding)、抉擇、行為和持守。

  70. CS84。 CC354。 並且要求他反省動機,以免他有太多目標,結果一事無成。(愛 167。 OK90-91。)
  71. 愛186。
  72. 愛161。
  73. CS87-88。
  74. 愛169。
  75. CS82-84。
  76. OK64-67。
  77. OK86-87.
  78. 例如:家庭背景。
  79. CC353。
  80. CC356。
  81. CC352。並且要有真誠支持。
  82. CS82。
  83. Man-I relationship中的Man是強調單數的人。 不是只談及一個人(a man),
  84. 而是將每一個人皆視為一個獨立的個體(individual)去尊重。 因為在群體中「人」容易被視為一樣抽象物,以至不被適當地尊重。 但當然也不可以忽略整個社會對人的影響,這些影響不是全部藉著個人接納的。 但此處我們會較強調獨立個體性。

  85. 愛 173-175。
  86. 不 1。
  87. SI 169-180。 也要饒恕別人,不再記仇。
  88. CC 355。 愛 192。
  89. 愛 184。 CC 355。
  90. 愛 182。
  91. CS 88-89。
  92. 愛 189。
  93. CS 91-93。 例如:要學習饒恕傷害他的人,是需要一段長的時間方能成功。
  94. 另外, 當他們在以上三種的關係上有改變時,應該也會影響第四種關係﹕物我關係 (Thing-I relationship) 。 簡單來說是更欣賞神所創造的世界,並且與之相處和諧。 此文不會詳細討論,因為以上三種關係改進,這種關係也會相應改進。 (當然不是必然性的)

  95. SD 93-94。
  96. CC 357。
  97. 例如參考Hide or Seek 這類的書。
  98. CC 356。
  99. CC 357。
  100. JPA 126。
  101. 但關連性(Correlations)不大。 JPA 127。

簡寫表 (代書目)

BE Benner, David E., ed. Bakes Encyclopedia of Psychology Grand Rapids: Baker,

1985. [R 150.03 B439]

CC Collins, Gary R. Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide Waco: Word, 1980. [150.1 C692 C.2]

CS Carlson, David E. Counseling and Self-esteem Waco: Word, 1988.

[253.5 C692 V.13]

CW McBurney, Louis Counseling Christian Workers Waco: Word, 1986.

    1. C692 V.2]

EP Narrsarrore, C.M., ed. Encyclopedia of Psychological Problems Grand Rapids:

Zondewan, 1970. [R 151.03 N168]

HS Dolson, James., Hide or Seek Old Tappan: Fleming, 1971. [649.1 D656]

JPA Watson, Paul J., et al. “Religiosity, Sin, and Self-esteem Journal of Psychology and Theology Vol 13 No.2 (Summer 1985) 116-128.

JPB Aycock, D.W., and Noaker, Susan “A Comparison of the Self-esteem levels in Evangelical Christian and General Populations Journal of Psychology and Theology Vol 13 No.3 (Fall 1985) 199-208.

JBC Brilt, W.G.111 “Gods Holiness and Humanitys Self-Esteem Journal of

Psychology and Theology Vol 16 No.3 (Fall 1988) 213-221.

SE Schuller, Robert H., Self-esteem: The New Reformation Waco: Word, 1982.

SI Wright, H. Norman, Self-talk, Imagery and prayer in Counseling Waco: Word, 1986. [253.5 C692 V.3]

SR Schuller, Robert H., Your Church Has A Fantastic Future Ventura: Regal, 1986.

[254.5 581]

如 黎曦庭 如何克服抑鬱 香港:種籽,1979。 [150.1 3188]

不 唐佑之 “不可自卑 教牧分享 (1985年 3月) 1~2 頁

愛 奧思本 愛你自己 台北:中主,1982。

自 葉萬壽 自我形象與兩代之間 香港:突破。

OK Smith, M.Blaine One of A Kind Downers Grove: IVP, 1984.

DS Wilson, Earl D The Discovered Self Downers Grove: IVP, 1985.

牧 曾家彬 “牧師的自我觀 教牧分享 (1986年 7月) 11~12頁

新 詹維明 “教牧人員的自我形象 教新 第四卷 第二期 (1988年夏) 3~4 頁

克 鄭果 “教牧如何克勝自我 教牧分享 (1982年 七月) 11~13頁

JPD Carlson, C.R., Bacaseta, P.E. & Simantona, D.A. “A Controlled Evaluation of Devotional Meditation and Progressive Relaxation Journal of Psychology and Theology Vol 16 No.4 (Winter 1988) 362~368.

SD Seamands, D.A. Healing for Damaged Emotions Wheaton: Victor, 1987. [253.5 Se 16]

Collins In Counseling PP.352

  1. 付出真摯的支持
  2. 「自我認識」的發展
  3. 自我的聖經觀
  4. 自我顯露和評審
  5. 期望的重訂
  6. 學習新技巧 � Behavior 反消極、鼓勵、聽和溝通、默想聖經。
  7. 防止不良影響 �「當人為物」。
  8. 小組支持

附1:

愛你自己 (奧思本)

附錄三:

自我接受程度的心理測驗

 

下面十二個問題,可用來測定你自我接受的程度。 你認為對的打「O」,錯的打「X」。

1. ( ) 我從父母那裹,可以獲得全部我所需要的愛。

2. ( ) 我怕難為情,但並不比別人厲害。

3. ( ) 我難得嚴厲批評別人。

4. ( ) 我想交多少朋友就有多少朋友。

5. ( ) 我的親友同事犯了大錯,我不會放在心上。

6. ( ) 我認為自己巳經差不多能從生活中,獲得該有的一切東西。

7. ( ) 我不會將身體和情緒的很多毛病,放在心上。

8. ( ) 我對於信任別人,沒有太大的困難。

9. ( ) 從政的人同一般人一樣誠實。

10. ( ) 我大概不比一般人更敏感。

11. ( ) 我很少想到別人會嘲笑我。

12. ( ) 如果我遭遇困難,大部份人不致袖手旁觀。

如果你巳經做了誠實的回答,請計算一下你共劃了幾個「O」.

  1. 十二個全部是「O」,表示你的自我接受,達到超等的程度。
  2. 十個表示優等。
  3. 八個表示良好。
  4. 六個是平均數。
  5. 不到六個表示自我心像比較薄弱。

附2:

Key to Christian Education ( Winter 1988 )

KEY QUOTES (Eddie and Billye Joyce Fine, editors)

We all have an opinion of ourselves whether we spend a lot of time thinking about it or

not. Our self-image is the “map that we consult about ourselves. It is the mental picture of our self-identity. It is the I am feeling of a person. We either feel good about ourself or we dislike or even hate and despise ourself.

Once a particular attitude toward oneself has been formed, it usually influences one’s future judgments and becomes fairly set.

The image you have of yourself is determined mostly through your interpersonal relationships. Your self-image is the result of the interpretation you make of your involvements with others. Your interpretation is not what others actually think, but what you think others think of you! It is this subjective interpretation that is important to your self-image. This interpretation feeds it positively or negatively.

Self-image has a controlling influence on the mind. A person’s opinion of himself affects his interpretation of life. A person who thinks unrealistically about himself does so because his self-concept is malformed. If it is severely malformed, he will reject even positive information and responses about himself which others seek to give him.

The individual who has a good self-image feels worthwhile. He feels good about himself and likes himself. He accepts both his positive qualities and his weaknesses. He is confident but he is also realistic. He can handle other people’s reactions, both positive and negative. He sets out to accomplish what he is capable of doing and feels that others will respond to him. He has confidence in his perceptions, ability, and judgments. He is not afraid to become involved in the lives of other people nor to allow others to become involved in his life. And he is not defensive.

But the person who has a poor self-image is just the opposite. He doesn’t trust himself and is usually apprehensive about expressing his ideas for fear of attracting the attention of others. He may withdraw and live in the shadow of others or his social group. He is overly aware of himself and often has a morbid preoccupation with his problems.

Because he is preoccupied with himself, he does not correctly perceive the attitudes others have toward him. He believes that other people must feel the same about him as he feels about himself. Since he feels other people do not want to include him in their group, he is hesitant to join them for fear of rejection. He can mingle with people but is hesitant to become honestly and openly involved with them. His avoidance of others has the effect of reinforcing his low self-image.

This individual is overly sensitive to criticism. He often attaches hidden meanings to conversations and situations. It is no wonder that people never get to know him or realize that he feels so badly about himself.

To build your self-concept, the first step is to give yourself acceptance. Acceptance means you stop downgrading and berating yourself. As God puts His arms around you and tells you that you are lovable and worthwhile, you can do the same. Part of accepting yourself involves accepting the fact that although you did experience hurt in the past and those experiences cannot be changed, you can loosen the hold they have on you. You climb one step at a time with both feet and rest there before proceeding on to the next level. At each level you give yourself reassurance and approval and reinforce your worth.

A Self-image Quiz

How is your self-image? Answer these questions honestly. If you are unsure of some of the answers, ask a close friend to discuss your answers with you.

  1. Can you handle a crisis situation?
  2. Can you cope with life stress or do you tend to blame external situations, circumstances, or even God?
  3. Do you recognize your own opinion and worth?
  4. Is it difficult for you to accept other people?
  5. Do people frequently seem to contradict your opinion of yourself?
  6. Do people tell you that you are better than you feel you are?
  7. Are you easily controlled or swayed by circumstances or what others think and do?
  8. Do you tend to follow the crowd?
  9. Do you think that you are of little help to other people?
  10. Are you often defensive?
  11. Do you have bouts with depression?
  12. Do you consistently perform poorly or not at all?
  13. Do you accept your appearance as it is without fussing over it?
  14. Do you watch for every defect in your performance in order to perfect it?
  15. Do you behave in a manner that repels people?
  16. Do you find it difficult to accept criticism?
  17. Are you afraid of other people because you might fail?

Your answers to these questions may give you some indication of the level of your self-image.

  1. Seek a personal relationship with Jesus Christ;
  2. Accept the truth of the Scripture;
  3. Begin practicing openness and honesty with yourself and others;
  4. Understand and apply the scriptural teaching about our thought life.

Condensed from Improving Your Self-image by Norman Wright, (Harvest House Publishers: Irvine, California).

附3:

  1. COUNSELING AND SELF-ESTEEM

HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM AND IDENTITY

Healthy self-esteem can be determined by how I evaluate myself in comparison to others. It can also be assessed by exploring the eight previous questions. A third criterion of healthy self-esteem focuses on my identity in relationship: that is, who am I in relation to you? It goes beyond the first criterion of appraising myself realistically to considering how well I interact with you.

  1. How well am I willing to risk involvement with you? Do I feel secure enough in myself to let you into my world? How threatened am I by your knowing me? Can I risk the possibility of your disliking me? Or, maybe even more threatening, can I risk the possibility of your liking me? Can I image pur needs for intimacy and space, dependence and independence, closeness and distance? Can I deal with your requests for my time, energy, attention, and affection, without experiencing you as an intruder?
  2. How well am I able to express my feelings to you? Do I dare tell you what is going on in my heart? How much do I deny, suppress, or rationalize my feelings? Do I feel safe enough to share my hurts and fears, my anger and sadness, my happiness and excitement and tenderness? Can I appropriately put my feelings into words and actions? When I express feelings, do they appropriately involve you, or are they really feelings that I have toward others (displacement)? How well am I able to say what I think with courage and confidence in myself, and respect for you?
  3. How well am I able to know when my thoughts and feelings are mine and not yours? Can I own my feeling experiences as mine without projecting them on you? That is, am I non-defensive to the point where I can let myself know what I am feeling without confusing my feelings of fright, anger, and sadness as yours? Can I admit when my fear or anger or sadness is experienced as coming from you?
  4. How well am I able to be aware that my childhood reactions are triggered in my relationship with you? Can I distinguish between my response to you as immediate or historical? Is the way we interact, recalling feelings, memories, or behaviors, similar to my childhood responses? Am I overreacting to you? Is the intensity of my response to you exaggerated in a given situation? Am I able to relate to you as you really are, or am I responding to you as a significant person from my past?
  5. How well am I able to accept feedback (compliments/criticism/challenges) from you? Can I learn from you? Can I see your feedback as a resource for me? Do I trust our relationship enough to know you compliment, criticize, and challenge me because you care for me and want to see me grow?
  6. How well am I able to ask for what I need/want? How well am I able to meet my needs? Do I meet my needs without burdening you? Can I ask you to meet my needs when I really can’t meet them myself?
  7. How well cam I able to accept my limitations in light of your strengths? Can I appreciate your abilities and talents without putting myself down? Can I affirm you without envy and jealousy? Can I use your strengths as a resource?
  8. How well am I able to be myself with you? Do I feel safe enough to act, feel, or say what I am experiencing at the moment without monitoring myself? Can I trust our relationship to the point of knowing that I can act spontaneously without fear of rejection or ridicule? How much energy do I spend filtering my words, my emotions, and my behavior? How much energy do I exert defending myself? Can I live my values with integrity, or do I behave with you differently than I believe?
  9. How well am I able to let you be yourself with me? Do I feel safe when you are yourself with me? Am I threatened when you are yourself? Do I beome scared or angry or sad when I learn you are imperfect and inconsistent? Am I able to let you be who you are more than demand that you be who I want you to be? Do I respect you as much as I respect myself?
  10. How well am I able to celebrate your successes and mourn your losses? Can I truly be happy for you without envy and jealousy? Can I encourage and compliment you genuinely? Can I tell others of your achievements with pride?
  11. How well am I able to differentiate no from rejection? When you tell me no, can I distinguish a “not now” from “not ever with you”? Can I hear no as a time-and energy-limited response more than a commentary on your love and value of me? Can I respect your needs and feelings without feeling discounted by you?
  12. How well am I able to let you go of our negative past? Can I recognize that the past cannot be changed, undone, or made up for; it can only be forgiven? Can I accept that you and I did our best, given our circumstances and information at that moment?
  13. How well am I able to compromise during conflict without losing myself (my integrity, values, and principles) or asking you to lose yourself? When the problem-solve, can I do so without giving up what I really need? Am I able to tell you what I need and feel and hold my ground without depreciating you? When we come to an agreement, is it really an agreement; or have I given in or given away what is really important to me?
  14. How well am I able to care for you without rescuing you? Can I help you only as much as you ask for and need? When I am helping you, how frequently do I feel like a victim? Can I help you without blaming you or feeling blamed?
  15. How well am I able to maintain confidentiality between us? Do I keep your secrets and let you tell others your secrets? Do I treasure your confessions without using them to make me look good at your expense? Do I share myself with you in ways that I do not share with others? Do we have a special friendship in which we can share ourselves without fear of rejection, ridicule, or condemnation?